


Devastation

by brainoverdriving (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 03:32:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13604646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/brainoverdriving
Summary: And Jongin closed his eyes. He took his last gulp of air. He knew he could go away without regret. But then he woke up and he felt alive. Then he felt a warm body on his left and cold emptiness on his right. And he knew then that the death did not embrace him and he had to live with the regret of living with a broken heart."All I wished was for you to be happy with him and forget about me, thus I left. They needed a victim and I could not give you, so I gave them myself. I still do not know if it was love all along or affection for the time we knew each other and delusion of something more, but I do know that I felt alive when I felt your touches on my body and the lingering kisses on my skin and I knew then that I was ready to give everything for you. Do not forget me but do not forget yourself because of my sacrifice. I did it for you and him to be happy and in love, since I've always been taking away your time together so that you both could pay attention only on me. For this, I am guilty."





	Devastation

**Author's Note:**

> on aff it was in 5 chapters, but it's not so long, so i decided to put it all at once, the numbers stay so that you'd know how the chapters were. have fun reading, in case you haven't seen it on aff.

**1/5**

Sehun was taken away when he was thirteen. He was living with a family and a house he wished to call home and with children he wished to think of as siblings. However, the soldiers came and took him away, not only because he was at age where he could to be brought and taught to be a soldier in the army, but because his so called family had sold him away for some silver. Sehun was five pieces of silver and two goats. He supposed this was enough for him.

 

When he was pushed into the dark corner with the other kids his age and were shouted at to stay quiet, Sehun knew his life would never be the same and maybe he wouldn’t be able to go around as carefree and as happily as he was doing now. When he hugged his knees closer to his body and hid his face then, Sehun cried because he knew he would never be free anymore. He didn’t cry for his family because he knew they were not his to begin with and when he thought of his mother, the one who let him go, he realized that maybe he was never free. A moment later he realized that he didn’t know what it meant to be free.

 

When Sehun was thirteen and he heard moans for the first time, he wasn’t sure if they were from pleasure or from pain because the boy who was letting them out was too young for the big man over him, but the boy was asking for more and he was pulling the man closer, so Sehun could only guess that it was a funny game to play. He was only fifteen when he realized how to play the game of seduction in order to keep his position higher and maybe he would not be the first walking towards the swords at the front as a shield.

 

Sehun wasn’t the smartest and he was surely not educated enough. He could barely read and he could barely write, he couldn’t understand the maps and he couldn’t understand the words his commander was using while explaining. He didn’t know where he should go, what to do, he didn’t know because he couldn’t understand. No one bothered to teach him how to read and what the words meant, he was still fifteen and nowhere. He was pushed, he was spat on, he was hurt and he knew that he was at wrong. If he was a little bit smarter maybe he could have friends, if he was a little bit wiser maybe he could earn respect, if he was a little bit of something maybe he could be someone else.

 

But he was Sehun, he was the poor guy who was no one’s and no one wanted him. Sometimes he was able to hide and walk around the busy streets. He would walk to the palace border and he would stare up at the soldiers, the guards there. They were powerful and they proved themselves to be good in order to be there, to be a protection which the King and his family would trust, a protection which the ministers would approve. Sehun would look up some more and then move towards the gates and sigh. He would never be there and he would never be someone.

 

Then he was usually walking away, feeling bad for himself, for his existence and for the fact that he would simply die in the middle of the battle and be nothing more than another body. But then he saw them, the crown prince and the son of the army’s general. Prince Chanyeol was tall, strong and beautiful – he was the brain and the hope of the future. Everyone spoke of him as if he was the new king who would be able to bring the country to its peak, its best years and its most powerful army with the future general Jongin. They were the future and they were the best of the all gems in the sea of dirty stones. 

 

Jongin was someone strong, someone beautiful and someone with sharp eyes and a hand always close to his sword, ready to attack and ready to protect when it was needed. They were both older than Sehun, while he was fifteen, Jongin was already eighteen and Chanyeol was twenty. There were even talks about some princess which would come from a far country from north and marry Chanyeol in one year or so. However, Sehun doubted that she would be loved and cared for as a princess should be by her husband. Sehun might have not been smart and he might have not been wise but he had eyes and he knew when a love was more than a friendship.

 

The thing happening between Chanyeol and Jongin was more than a simple joke and pat on the shoulder. It was passionate looks and small stares towards their lips, a teasing bites and giggles, small brushing of their knuckles and pushes on their shoulders, small lingering touches over the lower back, on the inside of the palms and whispers so close to the ears. They were sharing some private words only between them and something which no one else heard or knew about.

 

And then Sehun felt jealousy and anger towards them, they were everything he wished to be, they were wearing everything he dreamed about, they were as happy as he hoped one day to be. They loved, they played and they craved and they would have anything they wish in their lives. Sehun couldn’t stop looking at them; he couldn’t help but bite his tongue because the angry burning feeling inside him was growing. A feeling he couldn’t name because he was uneducated, he didn’t know the simple word of the feeling which brought him a bitter taste in his mouth. Jealousy, something similar to a jealousy, this was it, Sehun was sure.

 

But he couldn’t come up with the word and instead of keeping an eye on the both men he was close to cursing to hell and back in his head, Sehun tried to think of the word. He was sure he had heard it before. The feeling, so ugly, so disgusting, something which is considered a sin, Sehun was sure he would remember. But while he was thinking, he was walking. And when he was walking, he was looking only down at his legs, not caring about his surroundings and not minding the dirty looks people had been giving him for a while because they were close to tripping into him, a dirty looking child.

 

Sehun kept on thinking, he was so close yet so far and when he was finally sure he knew it, in his sight came a big stone in the middle of his walk and he couldn’t react fast enough and tripped onto it, losing his balance and since he was unlucky to be alone, he pushed someone else with him when he fell on the ground with a groan but followed with a smile, because he knew the word. It was envy, what he was feeling was envy. And when he looked ahead to see who the poor person on the ground was with him, he was met with a double pair of confused dark eyes staring at him. One belonging to Jongin and the other to Chanyeol, the latter was helping the other to stand up from the dirty ground. Both were staring at the child in front of them, because back then Sehun was still a child.

 

Envy, he was envious of them, of their perfection, of their love, of their passion and their deep warm eyes lingering on each other with a promise for something more and unsaid. Maybe then Sehun realized that being selfish would give him something he had been asking for, but he didn’t think to what the recklessness could lead him to. However, he was young and clueless to the life he was so desperate to have. He was forgiven then, because he started to apologize and neither Jongin nor Chanyeol could deny the serenity coming from Sehun.

 

That day was the first fall and it was unintentional. Every fall after that was a plan which Sehun was going to follow so that he would take place in the small gap between them. He was ready to do everything so that he could grab their attention, either lust or desire or anything, as long as he could have their eyes on him, their love shared with him, their laughter coming his way and their jokes spoken between them. This selfish Sehun was back then.

 

Sometimes he was lucky, they were walking the same street between the same small shops, at the same time, smiling and sharing something only they knew when Sehun usually saw them and decided that he should fall onto them again. Either he was running or he was trying to read, he was always apologizing and trying to smile as cheerfully as he could. Sometimes they were looking at him with confusion and other times – with recognition. When they looked at him unsure of whom he was, they just reminded him to be more careful. But when they recognized him, they helped him clean his clothes from the dust and patted his shoulders with a wish for good luck.

 

Sometimes he was unlucky, when they weren’t there Sehun would walk around, a little bit worried that he might not see them again, other times he was begging to be caught by some of the soldiers and get punished for the low life he was. However every time after that, when he saw them, Sehun would buy more cheap buns from the old lady around the corner and would give them two as apology. Sehun knew that they might be eating something better, tastier and not so cheap, but this was what Sehun could buy for them and they accepted them with a smile because maybe they didn’t have the heart to reject him.

 

Sehun might be stupid and unable to read and understand but he wasn’t stupid to believe that men as the crown prince and the future general of the army wouldn’t notice his actions. He was obvious, he might have been acting clumsy but he was only clumsy when it came to them. And if one day, they passed through another rout and they saw him, they wouldn’t see him falling because he tripped, they’d see him trying to avoid any contact with people so that he wouldn’t be found out and brought back for his punishment.

 

With this in mind Sehun didn’t know when he got their attention. He didn’t know when their eyes stopped lingering so much on each other, but looking around to see the clumsy beautiful boy falling down for them. Sehun didn’t know when their chuckles and insider jokes were no longer this but small talks and chuckles with expectations of seeing the boy closer. They knew he wanted something from them, just like Sehun expected them to know, but having them asking him for lunch one time, Sehun couldn’t help but run away.

 

Three months after that Sehun was still scared to get out when he shouldn’t. He still could feel the pain on his back, he knew the scars were still there, as if the burns by the sword taken out of the oven were still there on his skin, raw and reminding him of how reckless he was in his own delusion. Sehun didn’t cry then, he didn’t cry because he didn’t think he should. Having the desire to have a better life, having something that everyone else had wasn’t so bad. He knew he might not deserve it, since he slowly realized why he was sold out instead of kept for being the next master of the house. Sehun was not enough. He was not enough for his parents, he was not enough for the uncle’s family, he wasn’t enough for the army to be kept safe and he wasn’t enough to be used by the future rulers.

 

He didn’t cry because he was told that people like him, didn’t have the right to do so. He believed them. However, in the middle of the fourth month, when Sehun was sure Chanyeol and Jongin wouldn’t remember him anymore and he might be thrown away from their memories as some dirty underwear. He was proven wrong. The thing was Sehun thought of it as a miracle when he saw Chanyeol and Jongin on beautiful strong horses, speaking with the commander under whom Sehun was going to be.

 

The men were looking for him, they had found out who he was and they needed time to figure out in which camp he was taken to. For Sehun this was his way out, his future, his love and his life, for everyone else this was a weakness. The crown prince should never show a weakness because many dark souls would be taking these facts as just cooked meat. They would plan and connect the pieces together, so that using the weakness would lead them to a victory and hurt the crown prince. The future general shouldn’t show any weakness either, if he spared a life which didn’t deserve to live simply because of the beautiful smile, what would happen if they were in the middle of a war and he saw a child bringing poison to him and his men, a child with pretty smile and lovely eyes? They would die, this was going to happen.

 

The happiness for Sehun meant a defeat for Chanyeol and Jongin. Sehun might have not realized this for years but Jongin and Chanyeol had taken this step when they realized that maybe the love they had for each other could be shared with someone else, someone who was desperate enough to hurt himself in order to grab their attention.

 

And Sehun walked with them, he followed them and they told him he would be taught by them, he would be brought back to the army but not now. Sehun didn’t mind being a servant because he knew that the servants were living well, better than Sehun would if he was a soldier. However, he wasn’t a servant. Sehun was an observer, a student and a pet. Or so he wished to believe he was.

 

Since they knew his desires, they let him in their chambers. They let him watch how they kissed each other, how they loved each other, how their touches were bringing out lewd sounds of skin against skin and loud moans and groans showing the pleasure they were feeling. They taught Sehun how to touch himself, how to bring himself to the pleasure which would make him moan too. Jongin was more passionate than Chanyeol, he was meeting Sehun’s eyes, as if he wanted to share his pleasure with him. Chanyeol barely noticed Sehun while Jongin was in his arms. Chanyeol was rough, but so gentle too. He was kissing and loving Jongin as if Jongin was everything for him. Sehun was jealous, he wanted to be touched like this, to be loved, he wanted Jongin more than Chanyeol because he felt Jongin closer to him.

 

He had asked them, why he was not with them, feeling the kisses and the touches and enjoying the pleasure – Chanyeol told him he was too young, Jongin told him he was still a stranger. A stranger or not Chanyeol was with him every day, teaching him how to read and write and he was so patient with Sehun that the latter wondered how special he might be to earn this attention on him.

 

Too young or not, Jongin always brought Sehun outside at the back garden close to the stables so that he could teach Sehun how to fight. And sometimes when the fight got more heated than it should be and when Jongin decided that he should let himself loose, he’d leave Sehun to win over him and push him on the ground. Sometimes Sehun would feel Jongin’s fingers trying to reach under his robe and touch his skin, other times their eyes met and Sehun could see the desire inside the dark orbs. And sometimes, but very rarely Jongin would move closer and kiss Sehun’s neck and jaw but never his lips.

 

Sehun was sixteen when he knew that Jongin might have called his name a few times while Chanyeol was inside him, making him shiver, but Chanyeol’s eyes were on Sehun as if he was challenging him to move closer but Sehun never did. He walked out of the room, panting and bothered but never regretful. When he was seventeen, Jongin saw Sehun kissing Taemin, a servant with many orders on his head. The kiss was curiosity, the kiss was accepting. Maybe Sehun wasn’t as in love and as envious as he thought. But he was feeling something he couldn’t explain. If Chanyeol and Jongin were making him feel warm, wanted and accepted, Taemin’s kiss was just a normal morning in the stables. Nothing interesting, nothing too strong and maybe just nothing it was all.

 

In fact it was when Sehun was eighteen when Chanyeol had finally snapped and kissed him. It was as if something snapped inside Chanyeol’s patience. Sehun was having hard time to write down a law which Chanyeol wanted him to remember, but Sehun simply couldn’t bring himself to remember the right signs for it. They were harder and Sehun’s mind was full of the map he saw Jongin bringing to the ministers in front of the King. They would fight for new lands.

 

Maybe it was the fact that the patience had grown to something maddening as anger, but Chanyeol grabbed Sehun’s shoulders and pulled him closer in a rough manner and then kissed him. Sehun wasn’t used to it, the few kisses he shared with Taemin and the pretty girl Seulgi were too less and too shy to be anything close to what Chanyeol did. All Sehun knew was that he had to open his mouth, try to breathe and feel Chanyeol as if he was eating him, teeth, tongue, bites and sucks, Sehun couldn’t help but put his arms around Chanyeol and made sure he would keep the pace which the crown prince gave him. Once they pulled away, Chanyeol cupped Sehun’s face gentler this time and looked sadder than ever, as if he was regretting this action, the one which made Sehun feel alive.

 

“Go to Jongin, I need to see my father.” Chanyeol ordered and moved away. Sehun hadn’t seen Chanyeol again until a few days later and it was Jongin who brought him so that he could be in the same room with Sehun.

**2/5**

It was one year later when Sehun realized that it really wasn’t love. What he was feeling for them wasn’t love and it might have never been one. However, what they felt towards him might have been closer to lust than love too. Sehun knew that Chanyeol was in love with Jongin, after the time that Jongin took Sehun to their bed and slowly spread his legs and made him feel as the lightest feather and the most beautiful person with gentle kisses and firm touches, Chanyeol didn’t seem happy with it.

 

He didn’t hate it, per se, but he wasn’t happy about how close his supposed to be lover and the love of his life was to the poor man who was Sehun. But Sehun grew up, he got stronger, he got broader, he became more intelligent and it was scaring the servants, the ministers, the King. Sehun wasn’t the best, he wasn’t the one who could lead an army, he wasn’t someone who could take the place of a minister and speak about laws and changes so that the poor would have food and the rich would be safe from thieves. Sehun wasn’t a good man, he wasn’t a good lover and he wasn’t honest either.

 

He wasn’t an enemy and he wasn’t as powerful as some thought of him to be. Simply because he was reading more, speaking more and asking more, didn’t mean he was so much better than the fifteen years old Sehun who was falling on his knees for Chanyeol and Jongin to take him under their wings. Just because he was taller and could hold the sword with stable hands and no longer shivering, it didn’t mean that he’d crave to lead the soldiers and die by their side. Just because he kissed and gave pleasure and moaned the names of the men in his life, it didn’t mean that he loved them as strong as they loved him and loved each other.

 

But only Sehun knew this, no one else did. And so he was pushing his luck. Chanyeol was getting warmer towards him. He was kissing him gently now, he was holding his hand when Jongin wasn’t around them and Chanyeol always gave new books for Sehun to read and new robes to wear. If Chanyeol was Sehun’s lover alone, Sehun knew that he’d give his heart to the older and beg for Chanyeol to never leave him.

 

Jongin was someone who liked to speak deeply and someone to love passionately. Sehun was aware he was Jongin’s weakness – Chanyeol was too – and Jongin was Chanyeol’s weakness. If there was a fair, Jongin was sitting next to Chanyeol, who was sitting next to the King and the Queen. Sehun was a servant, he had no place in the fair, however, Jongin would always pull him closer, gave him a drink, asked him for a dance and maybe kissed his neck before letting him go and moving towards the beautiful royal daughters.

 

Jongin might love Sehun, but Chanyeol and the ministers weren’t happy with the show of affection for two different reasons. Chanyeol had never gotten that attention from Jongin as Sehun did. The minister didn’t like their daughters (and sons even) to be neglected by someone who was sold and punished with scar marks on his back and someone who could barely write his own name until recently.

 

But despite everything Sehun wanted to live his life to the fullest. He was taking as much as he was given, not even once demanding for more. Jongin liked spoiling him with food and wine, Chanyeol as always gave him new robes and books. Jongin was the one who taught Sehun how to dance and Chanyeol was the one who taught him the proper etiquette on the table. Chanyeol was the one who told Sehun that he should be careful and keep his back safe from enemies and Jongin was the one who said that he would protect him with everything he got. And Sehun wondered if he could fall in love with them and make them as happy as they were making him feel.

 

Making love with either of them or with both of them at the same time, it was different. Chanyeol – being alone without Jongin – meant passion and fast ending. Sehun was often leaving with bruises and dark red marks on his back, especially when it was rare for Chanyeol to let Sehun dominate him in his bed. Sehun knew that Chanyeol was passionate but impatient. When he wanted it now, he wanted it now and no sweet talk and lovely kisses or simple touches. When he wanted to play, he was making Sehun cry from the desperation. Chanyeol was the fire in between them, Chanyeol was the one who could be reckless when he believed he was right and Jongin was the water, calm, just as scary but he could be the one who could stop Chanyeol. Sehun could be the ground because when they couldn’t reach each other, both – Chanyeol and Jongin – were coming back to him.

 

Jongin was always gentle, always lovely, always careful but still he could put more pressure here or there and move in a way that Sehun could see angels and cry from pleasure. Jongin – being closer to Sehun for longer – he knew how to push Sehun and how to make him be rougher in his own way. Jongin was the glue in between Chanyeol and Sehun but he was also the one who could make Sehun’s heart beat faster and make his legs weak. If Sehun loved one of them – it was going to be Jongin.

 

Thinking like this wasn’t fair for them but Sehun could speak with Jongin and Jongin had always been honest with him. He had never tried to lie, he had never tried to hide the truth and he was sometimes the reason why Sehun would walk in the middle of the night into Chanyeol’s chambers and let the older to wreck his body before embracing him and both of them to have a peaceful night.

 

It stayed unsaid however, how powerful Sehun could be if he let himself be. It wasn’t the money, or how intelligent he might be now, no, it was far from those things. Sehun could manipulate both – Chanyeol and Jongin – if only he wished to, he could take everything from them and they’d give it to him. One, because they might be in love with Sehun and the other, because they didn’t want to hurt their lover and Sehun was a weakness. And if Sehun realized this, he had never spoken about it. It was something he wished to keep safe and to keep unsaid.

 

But sometimes when Sehun took Seulgi back in his bed, now both of them braver and more confident in their skills and Sehun knew that sometimes Jongin and Chanyeol should taste of their own poison because Sehun was jealous too and hurt too, Seulgi would ask. She’d ask about how much Sehun could control the next King’s future and how much the next general trusted him. Sometimes she’d move slowly her hips while talking and sometimes she’d ask Sehun if he wasn’t tempted to hurt them and betray them because by the end of it, who Sehun was for them, except the poor boy they saved because they knew he wanted them.

 

But Sehun never replied, instead he’d pull her down and wreck her so that she’d forget her thoughts from the pleasure and later he’d thought of her words. He knew this, he knew a lot, he knew how easy it was for him to break something which the whole nation loved. The power Chanyeol and Jongin had, the hope every poor soul from the villages to the bigger cities and the palace even, had for them. They were something that even the rising sun and the bright moon wouldn’t be able to overpower, but there was Sehun and Sehun had the power.

 

It was tempting sometimes, especially when Chanyeol was angry and stressed by the things he had to do, the decisions he had to make and sometimes he’d be angry at Sehun too. Because Chanyeol wanted Sehun to sign laws and read papers with different words and hidden meanings, while Sehun wanted to read maps and follow the soldiers. Sometimes Chanyeol would speak harsh words and throw heavy stones at Sehun with his actions and angry looks, spat at him with disappointment and slap him with the truth because Sehun was no one without Chanyeol and Jongin. And sometimes Sehun was ready to reply but he stopped himself. It might hurt, it might be like a scar and a lesson for Sehun to learn his place, but Sehun still didn’t have the heart to betray the hand which fed him and Sehun would simply bow down and leave.

 

Sometimes at times like this Chanyeol would follow him, embrace him and whisper sweet words like honey and give him pleasure like burning fire but Sehun would still have a heavy heart inside his chest and fake a smile which Chanyeol would never read. He’d kiss Chanyeol, he’d pleasure him back but he’d walk away and feel empty because he didn’t know if Chanyeol meant it and he didn’t know if Chanyeol really wanted him. Because what Sehun was, he was a toy they loved, a toy they created and a lover they’d easily throw away.

 

And it was especially tempting too when Jongin pushed Sehun on the cold stony ground, spread him apart and thrust him with pace stronger than Jongin’s sword cutting the men’s skin. And Jongin would moan and kiss Sehun, while Sehun could hold back his cries and his curses because he wished to love Jongin and Jongin was the sun in Sehun’s life, but sometimes even the sun was hurting him and Sehun could only cry alone later, while Jongin was scared and would look for some healer to see if Sehun was fine. But before Jongin came back with the healer, Sehun was already leaving and running away in the shadow where he belonged. And he had never said anything because he didn’t have the heart to hurt them. He couldn’t hurt them not because he was scared of getting his head cut, not because the ministers would give him to drink poison and let the crows to eat him later.

 

No, it was because he knew how many enemies Jongin and Chanyeol had, he knew how easy it was for him to slip and they’d be hurt, gone, taken down from their places and then taken away, because everyone tried to keep their eyes open but the future king and general weren’t angels and they had their fair share of bad decisions. Decisions which Sehun had seen and tried to prevent but they never listened to him because why should they? However, Sehun made sure he’d prevent the decease to grow inside the palace and he tried to keep the mouth of the men behind them closed because Sehun cared. Even when a village was burned because of the food given to them, even when another village was gone because the water took everything away from them and even when a part of the army was cut into pieces when they went into a trap. Sehun made sure no one would blame his lovers, he knew how to cut a man’s throat and how to make a woman to cry but say nothing. Yet no one said anything about Sehun, no one did anything about him. And it wasn’t because they didn’t know. Most of the ministers knew Sehun, they were scared because Sehun could easily take their lives and they were scared that one day, in the middle of the night the last thing they’d see would be his deep eyes and feel the coldness of his sword over their necks.

 

This was why Sehun kept quiet, because the enemies were too many and if he became an enemy too, he was worried that his masters, his lovers would be left alone. Sometimes he thought that Jongin knew. That he knew how strong Sehun was actually, what he did for them and how much they had to keep him in check, but Jongin would smile and kiss him. However, Sehun didn’t miss the looks, these carefully calculated looks and movements, how Jongin was following him with his eyes and how sometimes he was more careful around Sehun, especially when Sehun had his sword on the side of his waist. Sometimes Jongin wouldn’t touch him or kiss him, but look at him, sometimes even ask him to be naked. Sehun always made sure that he wouldn’t have new scars for this reason.

 

Sometimes Jongin would touch his skin as if he was made from glass, so easily to be broken but so hard to be fixed. And Sehun wished to laugh because he couldn’t be fixed, yet Jongin kept on touching him like this and Sehun just stayed there, waiting to see what would follow next. And sometimes it was going to be a kiss, or embrace. Sometimes even Jongin falling on his knees, having Sehun’s hands in his hair and Jongin’s name moaned in the middle of the night, but other times Jongin could leave him like this, without a word said and Sehun knew, he was sure that Jongin had figured it out.

 

But he had never said anything to Chanyeol and Chanyeol had never asked because what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and sometimes Sehun wished to be selfish and stay like their hidden card. The card, which was their weakness and the one who could end it all, this was Sehun.

 

But sometimes even the best made mistakes and sometimes there had to be a sacrifice. The question was, who would be brave enough to sacrifice themselves in order for something already broken to be fixed. Sehun had never thought of himself as a reason for fixation of the broken but he had never thought of himself the reason for the biggest devastation of power a kingdom could have, but here he was, seeing how his life and his lover’s lives were slipping down in between his fingers because of a mistake Jongin did, because Chanyeol was too blinded by love to do anything. Because Sehun had the final word and this scared him the most.

**3/5**

It had started easily, the fights for lands and power with the neighborhood kingdom had been going on for years before Sehun had been born but they were growing stronger now and Sehun could witness how many small villages near the borders were either lost and now part of the enemies or wiped out as if there weren’t people living there. It was scary, how easily something so small as an arrow could take the life of a child only because it was a war time and there was no time for mercy. Sehun knew that if he was there, fighting, as he should be, he’d be doing the same, taking the life of the innocent people in order to keep the border.

 

And maybe this was the first mistake done, they shouldn’t have kept Sehun by their side, the King shouldn’t have been so fond of his child – Chanyeol, and his friend – Jongin. He had to step up and say that someone as Sehun shouldn’t be kept, he had to be sent away, taught away, killed somewhere else, but the King couldn’t say no to Chanyeol and he might have seen something in Sehun, because the King took him under the his protection and Sehun was still alive. He knew many of the children who were taken with him were now dead, some buried; some burned. Some were eaten by the wild animals or by the stray dogs. Sehun was going to be one of them if he stayed there, he knew, but he was happy he was not.

 

The second mistake the Kingdom did was when they started to take villagers who were still alive but without their homes. The thought was good, keeping the people safe and sound under the palace protection while there was a war and many houses close to the border were burned. But not all of them were from the border and not all of them were coming from their Kingdom. And this was Jongin’s idea, still young and clueless but so passionate. Years back, when Sehun still knew nothing but Jongin was gone for longer, the future general made a suggestion.

 

The weak and the poor to be taken in the palace for awhile, got some help and then be brought back into the villages with new houses and a better future with a chance for survival. Jongin had seen too many deaths in his life and he couldn’t bear it in himself that he had to keep taking lives but still be unable to protect anyone and Sehun understood him. He had not seen many dead men, women or children, but he knew that it was taking a small part of Jongin’s sanity and humanity every time when he came back from a battle. So Sehun couldn’t blame him for the reckless thoughts and the naïve faith Jongin had in his people.

 

He blamed once again the King for being clueless himself, to be naïve even though he was on the throne for so long, he had to see it coming. He had to see and know that some of the men walking in his palace would be the enemy, some would be sick and they’d bring the sickness inside and once it’s inside, it would reach every part of the nation. Sehun blamed the King because he was so naïve to believe that this war might be different simply because it wasn’t him who went to fight but Jongin and his father alone. But Jongin lost his father and he was now the general but the damage had been done and the King could see the mistake he did.

 

But the King never did the mistake, he had never created a war and the king was never the bad man of the story. No king was, not this one here, not the one of the enemies, the king was the soul that kept the nation sane, kept it alive and strong. If the king admitted his mistake, it meant that they had lost the war and they had lost the fight. And this was why the ministers were scared and this was why they were gone for days and many men died without a reason and the king did nothing.

 

The king only tried to survive and keep his child safe too. Sehun was glad that Chanyeol was busy with his own things to keep an eye of the mistakes his father did. But in a way Sehun blamed Chanyeol too because he was blind. All Chanyeol saw was his books, the books he gave the children to study because Chanyeol was a scholar and Chanyeol cared only for this, his bed, his books, his title and Jongin. But his blindness wouldn’t protect Jongin and Sehun was blaming Chanyeol, because if Sehun was the crown prince, he’d be thinking about so many more things. He’d ask, and wonder and fight. But Chanyeol didn’t. And Sehun blamed him for this.

 

Chanyeol was easy to blame and Sehun knew he didn’t need to do it, but somehow the more Sehun knew and the more he saw, the more he knew how many things might have been different and how many could be protected over the time. It was unfortunate that Sehun could blame Jongin too because at some point between the battles, pleasing ministers, keeping the good name his family had and loving Chanyeol, Jongin was losing himself and Sehun blamed him for this. Because Jongin had to be the strong one, he had to be the wall to keep the sanity inside. The king had left the fate take everything from him – from his men to his power to the trust every minister had for him.

 

Jongin had to be the one who could control everyone, he was the general, he did the plans, he protected the people, he kept the gold and he gave the food. But with the power came the pleasure and soon Jongin closed his eyes to the right decisions and he let the wine to take the best of him. The more willingly Jongin drank, the more willing he was to please and as many things in their life, nothing was right because it was not Chanyeol who Jongin wanted but Sehun. And Sehun could see the hurt in Chanyeol’s eyes every time when he was left on the side and Sehun was taken on the bed and loved.

 

Sometimes Sehun moved to Chanyeol, in his chamber, let the crown prince to do whatever he wanted and sometimes both of them cried, because Chanyeol was hurt by Jongin and Sehun was hurt by both of them. But sometimes he didn’t blame them, he blamed himself. If he was braver and stronger, he wasn’t going to be here. He didn’t have to be the lover of these men and he could be a person on his own. He would have known less, worn dirty clothes and lost his life but nothing of this might have been happening. Instead of taking care of him and wanting him for themselves, they’d be loving each other, protecting each other, caring for each other. They wouldn’t have shared each other, they would have been by their side and they were going to be happy.

 

Maybe Chanyeol wouldn’t be so closed into himself and he’d let someone else near him, maybe a minister to open his eyes and let him realize how close his kingdom was to be broken and shattered into pieces and be gone. Maybe then Jongin would have realized that the power he had could be used for a lot more than sharpening their swords and coloring the ground with blood. Maybe then Sehun could have been in the battlefield and see the end of his life as a soldier and not as a traitor.

 

Sehun couldn’t say that he didn’t expect to be approached by some of the minister. He knew he couldn’t run away from his future and his death. Not in this life at least, however, he was given a choice. Something he doubted to get, having in mind how much he was detested and how many wished to get rid of him in the most painful way. It was one of Jongin’s men who came for him. Sehun had noticed how close the man was to one of the ministers’ daughters, so Sehun wasn’t surprised it was him to ask him to go and visit the pub where the ministers loved to visit when they had meetings of their own.

 

There were rumors that time, about how the King was almost killed and how he survived by a miracle, one of his concubines had drank his wine instead of him and thus the king was alive, but there were many rumors saying the next target was Chanyeol. And as much as Sehun wished that he cared only for himself, Sehun was keeping an eye on Chanyeol more than usual. It was one thing if Sehun died out of nowhere but it was another case for the crown prince to be gone.

 

Sehun knew the stories and the talks. The king was getting weaker and it had started since Jongin and his men brought people from the south. Sehun was there to see the people and he knew that not all of them were coming with peace. Sehun was born in one of the south villages close to the border, or so he was told. He was brought closer to the capital because of the money, his mother could take after his birth, they were more than she could take if he was given into some other family closer to the south border. Sehun knew the stories about their healers, the south was known for the herbs and how they could use them. Wounds would be healed in a few days, not to mention the poisons which could be used for weapons. There were a few poisonous herbs that could have be used for healing terminal sicknesses, but Sehun knew if they were used for longer than needed they were bringing death.

 

However, the reason was for Sehun to be surrounded by the ministers in front of him. He knew his mission, sooner or later his hands would have been dirtied with blood and Sehun wasn’t sure if he wanted to be now from all of the times. Sehun had heard the talks Jongin and Chanyeol exchanged when they had a little bit more of wine in their bodies and their minds were clouded. Chanyeol spoke about his future and how unsure he was for being the next king and Jongin opened his mouth not more than once how he would love to have Chanyeol sooner as the King. It was a joke, something which could help Chanyeol to feel secure but there were many people who could change Jongin’s words for something else.

 

Jongin had power and he had enemies, Sehun could hear how some of the servants coming from the south were speaking about Jongin once he returned. They spoke about how easy for Jongin was to bring Chanyeol on the throne because while Jongin was fighting around the south border, the general had learned quiet a lot about the herbs. Something which Sehun couldn’t accept but he knew that Jongin was drinking something which made his mood better and his needs stronger, he was sure that Jongin was using his knowledge for the herbs only on himself and maybe Chanyeol. But the rumors were easy to start and Sehun knew how easy the words of the servants could have been changed to a law simply because they wished to get rid of someone. And this someone was Jongin because they had no other explanation why it was happening, why their precious and poor king was on verge of dying. Why so many servants were whispering and pointing at Jongin as if they knew it was him. Why so many of the ministers wished to use Chanyeol’s weakness – his father’s health and probably his future death.

 

“We called you here to talk.” One of the younger ministers spoke. He had leaned over the table, wine by his side and tasty food in front of him – his eyes were bright and deep, boring into Sehun as if he wished to scare him. But the only ones who could scare Sehun were his lovers.

 

“Then speak, the crown prince and the general expect me soon.” Sehun spoke with boredom in his voice and he earned himself a few dirty looks and curses. It was nothing new and Sehun didn’t try to hide what he was doing with Chanyeol and Jongin.

 

“We’re giving you a choice.” Another minister spoke, he seemed older and wiser. Sehun knew his face, unfortunately, he didn’t know his name. From what Sehun knew, the man was actually honest and he was wishing to help. However, now Sehun wasn’t sure whom he was trying to help and whose head the minister wished to cut.

 

“And what it might be?” Sehun had an idea, yet he wished for them to speak up.

 

“The talks surrounding the general are too heavy and sharper than the knife, we wish to give you the choice of holding a sword against the man who had helped you survive or sacrifice something else.” The minister spoke. “We need a sacrifice, considering how strong the war is and how much we needed the general’s skills. We are willing to lose him in order to protect the calmness inside the palace. There are so many rumors surrounding his name, some good, some very bad and our King is already dying. The crown prince should take his place soon but if he steps on the throne while having his name dirtied because of the general, no one in this palace or this nation would listen to him.”

 

“You wish a sacrifice to clean their names despite knowing how the rumors started from the servants and you all know the crown prince and the general are willing to give everything for this nation.” Sehun replied as calmly as he could. He didn’t like where this conversation was going.

 

“No, here you are wrong.” Another minister spoke up. “They are not ready to give everything for the nation. They are unable to give you to it however they are ready to give everything for you.”

 

“What are you trying to say?” Sehun tried again, he could feel how his blood was boiling.

 

“We give you the choice of how to kill the general. His death will clean the crown prince’s name and if this happens, we will have a strong nation in our hands just like before. We have seen your skills and you could be the new general.”

 

“What a lovely choice I have.” Sehun spoke with faked happiness and gave a small bow to the ministers. “I love my life dearly, so instead of rejecting you, I agree. I shall take the life of the general by tomorrow’s night. Be ready for mourning and clearing the crown prince’s name in front of the King too.”

 

“You did a wonderful choice.”

 

“I have a question, though.” Sehun spoke with a smile. “If there was a choice of saving the general and clearing his and the crown prince’s names – could anyone else be the sacrifice?”

 

“You,” the younger minister spoke again while drinking his wine. “However, except being their lover, you have nothing else to dirty your name with.”

 

“That’s a relief.” Sehun gave another bow and turned to walk away. “You’ll see the result really soon.”

 

That night Sehun walked into Jongin’s and Chanyeol’s chambers with a heavy heart, yet he made sure they’d scream his name with pleasure. He touched them with so much pleasure that even when Chanyeol was already shivering and being dry and angry red in his hand, Sehun kept on kissing him and making him ask for more. Even when Jongin could barely move on the bed Sehun made sure Jongin would still arch his back and spread his legs for more. Both of them told him that they loved him and he replied back.

 

That night was their last for them to be together like this. That night was Sehun’s final chance to show them that even though it was not always about love and desire, he wanted them to know that they were his everything and he was ready to do everything for them. That night Sehun kissed Jongin with a request for an early training and Jongin was more than willing to agree while being clueless what was going to follow him.

 

And when Sehun walked back into his own chambers, he started to plan and think because if he was doing this, he was going to make sure that it was perfect. Because perfect was what Jongin deserved and because perfect was what Chanyeol desired.

**4/5**

For the first time in months when Jongin was waiting for Sehun to come for their training, he felt worry and something heavy to grow in his chest, it was as if something was awaiting him and he wasn’t sure what it was – bad or good, he hoped Sehun was fine. He had noticed the looks some of the guards gave him, as if they were waiting for him to do something, or something to happen to him. It was confusing and it was frustrating.

 

 

When Sehun came, probably one hour later than he had to, yet Jongin was still waiting for him, for the first time in a while Sehun was bold enough and pulled Jongin for a kiss, surprising the older with his action. Jongin wasn’t a stranger to the public affection, so he kissed back as eagerly as Sehun did and he pulled him closer. The kiss felt bittersweet on the tip of Jongin’s tongue and before he tried to ask what the occasion was for Sehun to act like this when from the three of them, he was the one who tried to keep his private affairs as private as he could.  
 

“I was called by the ministers.” Sehun whispered against Jongin’s lips and took the sword of the general under his nose and moved away. The tip of the sword was now against Jongin’s throat, slightly scratching the thin skin there and Jongin felt the first small drop of blood falling down. His eyes were on Sehun, the boy seemed so sad but so determined too.  
 

“What did they told you to do?” Jongin asked but he knew what it could be, he might have acted blind and deaf when it came to the talks inside the palace but it didn’t mean that he didn’t know what they were saying. He knew his name was dirtied and in every mouth which wanted him dead, so having the ministers asking Sehun for a meeting, wasn’t something surprising.  
 

“Your death, as you probably know.” Sehun moved the sword down and left towards the collarbone and pushed it a little bit deeper, making Jongin hiss at the pain. He was used to the pain and the wounds but not this kind of wounds.  
 

“Have you agreed to do it?” Jongin took the edge of the sword between his fingers and moved it on the side, he was glad that Sehun didn’t resist and let the sword fall down on the ground. Jongin didn’t try to pick it up, it wasn’t worthy. He knew that Sehun knew his moves and as much as Jongin didn’t wish to admit the amount of wars and fights, coming with many wounds and broken bones were showing. If there was someone faster between them, it was Sehun.  
 

“I did.” One thing Jongin could trust was for Sehun to never lie to him, he had never told him a lie and Jongin doubted now it would be the first time. Jongin chuckled and moved closer to Sehun, he wanted to feel him, to touch him, to love him, it might be their last time being so close.  
 

“Did they promise you something?” Jongin leaned down to kiss Sehun’s neck and hissed when he felt Sehun’s thumb on the small wounds he had left. “Did they promise you gold, house and a clean name?”  
 

“They promised me freedom and I couldn’t resist.” Sehun whispered and turned his head so that they could kiss again, slowly, taking their time.  
 

There were a few things that Jongin didn’t know about Sehun, even though he had seen him growing and he had seen him weak and begging, he still didn’t know who Sehun was as a person and what his history was. He knew Sehun was persistent, he had no pride when it came to the things he believed would help him survive and he was stubborn, maybe more than he should, but he was honest, maybe he was not honest when it came to his love and his desires, but he was honest for everything else. Jongin didn’t know from where Sehun came, how much he knew without being taught by him and Chanyeol, he didn’t know where some nights Sehun went and why he looked so weak and so tired, but he knew he could trust Sehun with his life and even now when maybe he had to feel betrayed by him, Jongin was glad that it was Sehun who would take his life and not someone else.  
 

Now to think of it, if it was Chanyeol, he wouldn’t be kissing him but trying to protect himself and fight back because as guilty Jongin was, this much Chanyeol was and if one of them had to die, Jongin wished to be selfish and kill them both. But Sehun wasn’t like them, he used them to survive but he had never turned against them and he had never said anything when they hurt him. All Jongin could see in Sehun’s eyes was fondness and maybe love.  
 

“Why don’t you put the sword into my heart and take my life now, I’ll die like a soldier.” Jongin spoke boldly but his heart was beating from fear and his hold around Sehun was strong. He was a coward because he wasn’t ready to follow his fate and Sehun chuckled against his temple before kissing it.  
 

“Where’s the beauty in that?” he asked and moved away from their embrace. “I’ll give you a potion of poison and you will drink it before you’re going to bed. You wouldn’t feel anything and I won’t have to feel guilty for giving you pain.” Sehun patted his pants and then put his hand in one of the pockets from there he gave Jongin a small bottle of liquid inside and Jongin took it without asking. “It tastes sweet I made sure to put more sugar in it.”  
 

“I’m flattered.” Jongin smiled because he wasn’t sure he was ready to cry yet and put the poison in a safe place. “I’ll drink it, are you going to visit us tonight?”  
 

“Yes, I’ll be there. And Jongin, I never regret falling so many times in front of your ways.” Then Sehun turned around and walked away from Jongin leaving him alone with his thoughts and his feelings.  
 

Jongin wandered around then, he didn’t have the heart to get back into his chambers or visit Chanyeol, so he walked through the gardens, greeted servants and guards, ministers too. He even spoke with some, laughed with others, drank too. He was acting as his usual self, he didn’t try to think about his dead and enjoyed the sun and the flowers and everything which was alive now and was going to be alive tomorrow too when he was gone. A few more turns and he saw Chanyeol, he didn’t kiss the crown prince and he didn’t give him the usual embrace, Chanyeol didn’t ask so Jongin didn’t have to explain, but they walked together some more and Jongin let Chanyeol to speak about his day, his feelings, his thoughts and his plans for the future.  
 

When it was later, Jongin had gone to take a bath and the poison was still with him. He knew he didn’t have to drink it now, Sehun was in the other room, kissing Chanyeol and not bothering to keep an eye on Jongin but the latter couldn’t betray him, so he took the poison once he was dried out of the tub and put a robe on. He knew that he wouldn’t die right away, so he moved to give kisses to both of his lovers and asked if he could be lying in between both of them. He wanted to feel safe and he was glad that neither of them denied him.  
 

And then Jongin closed his eyes. He took his last gulp of air. He knew he could go away without any regret. But then he woke up and he felt alive. Then he felt a warm body on his left and cold emptiness on his right. And he knew then that the death did not embrace him and he had to live with the regret of living with a broken heart. Because this was Sehun’s plan all along, he had never planned to kill any of them, he had never planned to be the hero and he once again let Jongin slip away from his sins.  
 

But then Jongin couldn’t do anything but jump out of the bed and startle Chanyeol who was still deep asleep next to him. The crown prince jumped when Jongin ran away from the bed and tried to look for more presentable clothes and he needed to find his sword.  
 

“What is it?” Chanyeol asked with sleep still deep in his voice and Jongin felt anger because how could he be so clueless and so calm.  
 

“Where is Sehun?” he hissed at Chanyeol and turned around to look for his boots.  
 

“He had left in the middle of the night because he felt unwell but he didn’t want me to follow him so I stayed here.” Chanyeol explained, clearly confused as of why Jongin acted like a mad man so early in the morning.  
 

“How can you be so clueless, I wonder?” Jongin growled at his lover and just when he noticed his sword, he saw a small letter written by Sehun and he was fast to open it and read it, but his eyes were full with tears when he finished it, because this was not supposed to Sehun’s end, this was supposed to be Jongin’s.  
 

 

_"All I wished was for you to be happy with him and forget about me, thus I left. They needed a victim and I could not give you, so I gave them myself. I still do not know if it was love all along or affection for the time we knew each other and delusion of something more, but I do know that I felt alive when I felt your touches on my body and the lingering kisses on my skin and I knew then that I was ready to give everything for you. Do not forget me but do not forget yourself because of my sacrifice. I did it for you and him to be happy and in love, since I've always been taking away your time together so that you both could pay attention only on me. For this, I am guilty._

_By the time you are awake, I believe I had finished my mission and as much as I wish to say I am guilty for doing this and not taking your life when I was asked to, I cannot. I gave you a sleeping potion, full with sweet herbs so that your body can relax. You deserve to live a long life because the crown prince needs you and you would be his strength. I had left another letter, next to many herbs and poisons so that I can be the victim. The king wasn’t poisoned, he was dying for years. One of the ministers had taken a servant from the South and she had told him about some herbs which can be a poison but they helped with the king’s sickness, yet there is no chance for someone so old and so weak._

_I do write a letter to you, Jongin, because I wish for Chanyeol to grow stronger, but he needs to realize that the love and the peace are not everything. And if he wishes to protect this nation, he needs to learn how to hate and how to fight for his revenge. I had spoken with the King and he would take a poison to end his pain and help my plan, this much the king owns me. If Chanyeol hates me, his trust would be lessened and he would finally grow to be a ruler. There is a poison of poison left by the stables where my horse is, it is for you. The one I had to give but I could never do it. One day, when you cannot live with the heavy heart of the war and wish to please my selfish heart, you can follow me and I’ll be waiting for you._

_Maybe, I was never the love you both wished, but I believe that my heart had belonged only to you both, just like my life, just like my soul._

_Your royal servant, Sehun."_

 

Jongin was mumbling ‘no, no, no, you can’t’ as a mantra and was ready to go and look for Sehun when the chamber’s door was opened and wide eyed guards walked inside it, apologizing but they seemed as if they had seen a ghost.

 

“I’m sorry, your highness, I’m sorry, general, but something unexpected happened in the courtroom. Sehun had lost his mind and had murdered at least half of the ministers and the King had been poisoned!” one of the guards spoke and bowed down. “We could not stop him and the King could not have been saved.”

 

“We had found deadly herbs and potions in Sehun’s room and also a letter where he had explain his actions and he brings out the guiltiness of some of the minister, your highness, you must read them.” Another guard spoke and Jongin could feel how his blood was frozen in his veins, he couldn’t say anything. “And Sehun…he had taken poison and he’s dead in between his victims, I’m sorry.”

 

“Leave…” Chanyeol whispered from behind Jongin and the guards left just as fast as they came. “Do you know anything about this?” he asked once he was next to Jongin and the latter made Sehun’s letter into a ball.

 

“No, I had no idea something like this would happen. We must check the situation and prepare a funeral for the King.” Jongin said calmly and walked away.

 

For one thing Sehun was wrong then. Before he killed all the ministers, most of which were not innocent and some were murderers just like him, Sehun thought that if he was gone, Chanyeol and Jongin could have been happier. Their love would be shared only between each other, their happiness would belong only to the other and their hearts would be one.

 

The thing was that the moment Sehun was gone and he took all the blame, Chanyeol changed just like Sehun predicted but he had never touched Jongin again and he had never asked him in his chambers even as a friend but he spoke only about their strategy to make sure the border would be strong enough to keep the nation and its people.

 

If someone wrote a story then about Sehun and his life, about the Kingdom and his prince and general, the title would be devastation because Sehun was the small stone which pushed the rock to fall and break the mountain. Because Sehun was the stone which the rock was leaning on and Sehun was the end and the beginning of the destruction. Sehun was never meant to be a lonely stone, he was meant to be a part of the rock.

**5/5**

Chanyeol was sitting on his throne and he was alone for the first time since the morning. The crown was heavy on his head and his back was aching from sitting for so long on the golden throne. It was a beautiful masterpiece in the palace, yet so uncomfortable to spend your time on it. Chanyeol groaned when he felt his back bones crack. He was getting old and tired.

 

Twenty years had passed since Sehun’s death. Sehun’s name was all over the history now, everyone knew about him. Some called him a witch, some called him the devil, some even said he was a ghost because as many as knew about him, none of whom had lived in Sehun’s time remembered his face and Chanyeol was surprised how despite the hatred he felt towards his late lover, he could never forget his face or his smile and his soft skin. He had never forgotten how warm his chest was when he saw Sehun being happy and he had never forgotten how sweet he was towards Chanyeol no matter when. Yet, Chanyeol was never able to forget and forgive. Sehun did a treason, he had killed his father, his ministers – although they were never innocent, Sehun made sure to explain why he had done it. However something which Chanyeol could never forgive was how easy it was for Sehun to leave.

 

Chanyeol sighed when he had finally felt relief on his back and looked at the scrolls in front him and a few old letters – memories left from Jongin, things and words Chanyeol had never felt brave enough to read. Five years had passed since Jongin had lost his life in a battle. His new general had explained that Jongin had a poison – a small bottle he had taken once he had said that his wounds were too deep and he wouldn’t survive. Everyone spoke of Jongin as their hero and their best general. He was the one whose ideas they followed and brought the nation to its best state and the border was strong, no one could attack them.

 

Sometimes Chanyeol wished Jongin had been the king too but he had never shared his thoughts because he had no right to. He had never touched Jongin since Sehun’s death and as fast as Sehun left their lives, just as fast their love for each other was gone. It was funny in a way because Chanyeol had never let himself love Sehun fully because he was blinded by his love for Jongin, yet the youngest from them deserved every love on this world while he was alive.

 

Six year ago when Jongin had came back from one of the many wars, he was tired, weak and older, he walked to Chanyeol on his own for the first time in decades and he gave Chanyeol all the scrolls and all the letters, even a small notebook. Chanyeol looked down at them and they all seemed old and used, but still as if they were hidden in some dusty place. Maybe it was something which Jongin had kept hidden or he had found something, but Chanyeol had never asked.

 

“One day, maybe when I am gone and forgotten yet you’re still alive and healthy, you should look at this, read them and understand where your mistakes were.” Jongin said while he had his back turned at Chanyeol and walked away.

 

Back then Chanyeol was confused because he couldn’t understand why Jongin gave him these things and he had never felt the need to open any of the scrolls or read the letters, yet here he was now, scared to see what was inside and so nervous because what if he found out something which he was not ready to face yet. The curiosity won the best of him and he took letters first. One was for Jongin and another one was for the guards, where Sehun explain the reasons for his actions.

 

Chanyeol’s heart was feeling heavier the more he read. He understood how weak and blinded he had been, he found out how many times he had neglected his lovers and then he opened the small notebook which was written by Sehun alone. If the scrolls were written by the guards and the investigators which Chanyeol had hired and Jongin had added something inside, here and there, explanation about things which Chanyeol had never understood.

 

But the notebook was another thing, everything was written by Sehun and what actually made Chanyeol’s hands to shake while he was reading was the first page. It was for him, the notebook, the explanation for the herbs, from where Sehun was and how he knew all this although he had spent most of his life away from the South. How Sehun found out about the ministers and their sick games, how he had understood their plans and how close he and the late king were in fact. Everything was there, in the small old notebook which Jongin must have read for years and maybe Jongin asked himself the same things which Chanyeol was asking now.

 

How much different it would have been if Chanyeol had acted as the crown prince he was supposed to be, how many would have been alive if Chanyeol had paid attention, if he was stronger, if he listened to his father more, if he was living less in his own world of happiness but he had seen the way many more was struggling. But he could never find out because Sehun knew him since then and he knew who he had been and he had accepted him. Sehun had made his choice and Chanyeol had done his, just like Jongin did.

 

_“Your Highness, you must have gotten the notebook years after my death. This was my wish. You should know how and why I found out everything and why I had taken the choice for you to feel only bad feelings and hatred towards me. I haven’t written this notebook to ask for forgiveness, because I don’t want it. However, you must understand from where our stories started, how much was acting and how much was real. You must know how many things I knew and how I found them out. You must now why I decided for you to live, when I could take your life too._

 

_Because, your highness, by the time you read this, maybe you’d be the king people had been speaking about since I was a child and, Chanyeol, I could have never taken the dream away from the people. After all I have almost destroyed their dream.”_

 


End file.
